The Way I Understand You... and Everyone else

Understanding is a Word. But very rare people truely "understand" the meaning of this word.

~Jyoti Gupta

DISCLAIMER: Although my university tutors may consider me to be a sociologist, this isn't a theoretical study. So, if you want someone to read your tarot cards, maybe give Mother Theresa a call. This piece is just me writing about what I think about you.

If you know me personally, then you'll probably know that I'm more on the introverted side. This side of me really helps me learn how be understanding and empathetic to ones needs but it does get hard for me to start up conversations because I never know what to say. Observing and really listening to people gives me an insight to who they really are, so whenever people think I'm zoning out in a group setting, what I'm really doing is getting to know them in my own way, without the whole 'getting to know each other with questions phase'. That's probably why it hard for me to form stronger bonds with people, especially when meeting new human beings.

One thing I'm really learning to understand is that no matter how much I give towards people when they are in need, I won't always get the same in return. As my mum says "nobody can read your mind, you need to tell them what you want and what you need" and that is what I'm learning to work on. I now realise that not everyone can learn how to dig deep into a person as much as I can, so that pushes me away from the people I love the most. I'm honestly just plain jealous of people that can open up easily, how do you do it?

The Way We Behave

Human behaviour refers to the way humans act and interact. It is based on and influenced by several factors, such as genetic make-up, culture and individual values and attitudes.

Throughout my life, I discovered my ability to understand people through their behaviours. I found that people can show whether they feel uncomfortable in conversations by using different actions, such being fiddling with their hands or playing with their hair. When I'm in a public setting and I see someone I know, I have this feeling that if they don't approach me first, they might not want to be approached. That's where I can go wrong and that wasn't easy to find out.

You see, I do this thing where I overthink so much, I used to tend to plan conversations ahead of time, especially when I knew I had to meet people that day. I tend to think about everything so much so that time runs out, and I can never really experiment with what can really happen next. I hope everyone finds a way to continue living in the moment rather than planning everything, because your next conversation might be your new best friend.

Meeting New People

Most of my conversations with people are very concrete and it's super hard for a person like me to form relationships, or even dig deeper into the ones I already have. My most favourite conversations are the ones I form in my head that I never say out loud because I'm too scared of what people think of me. I find myself putting away conversations because people may think I'm too 'geeky' or 'weird'.

There are times where I find myself deeply relating to tv show characters like Emily Prentiss from Criminal Minds where she reveals that it's hard for her to go on dates because there can be times where she 'blows her cover' and says something so 'geeky' out of nowhere. It's a trait that really puts me back from saying what's truely on my mind.

Group settings can go both ways for me, either really well or completely awful. Nowadays, it's easier for me to handle a group situation and it really helps me get to know people without it being overbearing on one single person. Group situations help me go around to people and talk to them one on one without it being too awkward but when there's one conversation going on, it can be tough for me to insert myself onto it. It feels like I don't belong because I never know what to say, or even when I know, I don't know when to say it.

Although, it seems like an easier task for me to handle now, it was very oppressive for me before. Group situations could be hard to the point where I would have anxiety attacks, especially when new people were around. It might seem like I'm overreacting, but when there's so many people in one room just talking to each other, and you're just sitting there feeling so out of place, it can cause so much panic, much more when nobody's there to keep you afloat.

The point of me writing this here is to reveal that no matter what sort of person you are, there's always room to improve whether it's socially or even learning all the deep dish about another human being. Most of the time right now, I love being in that room filled with people and even love speaking to one single person, although that can be really hard for me to express.

Holding onto Relationships

"But she's your best friend?" Mum said looking down at me with wide eyes. "More like she WAS. People change" I said looking away. This was only part of the conversation I had with my mum years ago, probably back when I was in primary school. It's not really the most cheerful, happy memory I have of my childhood, but it's something I'll remember forever as it really shows how easily I let people go. It was the hardest for me to keep people close because I didn't really let anyone in. I didn't know how to.

I didn't really feel part of a real, raw, honest friend group way up until high school. Don't get me wrong, I had a solid group of friends before that, but this one friend group made me feel close to every single person and not just one or two in the circle. I've never felt so welcomed as these people make me feel to this day. I can say anything and everything without feeling the judgemental eyes on me. I felt like I belonged.

They understood me and we were able to tell what the other were going to say or do next without the need to speak. They always gave me the advice I needed, even if I didn't want to hear it. This group of people were the only people I ever really spoke to about what was hiding in my head, it was my emotional release but that didn't come easy. It was a process to really be able to trust these people and let them in but I knew that if I had nobody there, I would feel unfulfilled.

I always look back and wish I was this open with everyone at the time but I know it was a struggle because I was always a follower. In my past friendships, I spent all my time and energy into listening what people were saying instead of letting them give me a chance to speak. It was emotionally draining sometimes. I hope that nobody is in that situation where they always listen rather than be the one talking at times, I know how hard it is. You need to find a way for your people to come to a mutual understanding about both you and themselves and find a way to let yourself go once in a while. Trust me, ranting feels good. I know from now on, I'll try and do it to more than just my one group of friends.

I hope that everyone in life has at least one or two people they can go to for everything, or at least most things that we go through in life. Without that one rant with the people that care about you the most, there would always be the sense of emotional detachment with not only yourself but with the people around you. Holding onto those special relationships are hard, especially if the other is the complete opposite of you but opening up more is the key to letting more people into your life. You won't regret it.

The Way To Truely Understand One Another

I know that my way of understanding people through having them open up to me without having me do the same, isn't really the right way to understand one another. To truely understand us as beings, we need to learn to dedicate our time and energy into actively learning about one another by utilising both skills of listening and talking. We need to learn how to put ourselves in another's shoes and learn how to feel what they truely feel, learn how they act in certain situations and learn how to really observe them.

The way to truely understand a person, like knowing what makes them tick and knowing what a person loves the most is to feel what they feel. It is to dig deep into their soul. I know it sounds creepy but taking time to listen to a person deeply really gives an insight to who they are. Like if a person really asked me what really gives me a sense of happiness, I'd probably say something really spontaneous like skydiving, having a last minute road trip or maybe even chasing down to see the sunset after a long hike whether it's alone or even with someone there beside me. You'd know that I'm actually always down to do things no matter how crazy they are, an adrenaline rush is really what I live for. It gives me peace, ironic right?

One day I want to experience a moment where I answer all the questions that are buried inside me and have another person to do the same. Something similar to what occurred in an episode of 'The Good Doctor' where Shaun and Carly went on a date, and he asked Carly many many questions the whole night just to see whether they are compatible. Sounds kinda daunting, but it is an experience worth having with a friend or even a future partner.

My Main Tips

Before I leave it all here, I'm ending this piece with a few of my many tips of not only getting to know yourself but even getting to know someone and letting people get to know you.

1. Don't hide behind your emotions, let it all out.

2. Be fully present, try not be lost from what's right there in front of you. Don't go on your phone and really listen to the people around you.

3. Experience life to the fullest and learn to understand yourself even more than understanding the people around. Don't waste your time with people who don't care and start being around people who really do.

4. Allow yourself to put things into perspective, both your own and someone else. Never assume someone else thinks just like you or sees things as you do. Try to imagine life through their lens.

5. Get that one friend to open up to you. Take it slow, and trust the process because the person at the end of the road will probably be the best version of themselves. They would be able to show their true selves to you and find true happiness in their lives.

So, I'll leave by saying this, don't be afraid to let yourself go and espresso yourself.

Okay, that’s a really bad pun but you guys know what I mean.

Time spent understanding people is never wasted 
~ Cate Hutson