My Bucket List

A bucket list is typically described as 'a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to accomplish during their lifetime.

Ever since I was a young girl, my everlasting dream was to have travelled the whole entire world. It was the first thing I thought of getting up in the morning and the one thing keeping me awake. My parents still say to this day that the one thing I'll need in my future partner is a desire to travel and take part in crazy adventures with me. That one desire still keeps me up at night.

My most favourite trip was in 2017, mostly because it was the very last time I was able to see my family and it was the longest I've been away from home. Fast-forward to 2020, graduated high school, accepted into university, ready to conquer the world. Seventeen year old me wasn't ready to be faced with what would be the hardest next few years of our lives, what we call the coronavirus. I wasn't ready to have my university life stripped away from me, I wasn't ready to overlook the lack of travel and I just couldn't comprehend the fact that this actually could be forever. I was in the deep end.

Changing it up

During my first year of university, I tried my hardest to take in the experiences to the best of my ability despite what happened around the world. Made quite a few friends, studied hard and spent as much time as I could on campus.

I found myself having to adjust to new situations constantly, whether it was studying online, staying in lockdown or having to only go into campus only two days a week. At times, it became really hard for me to stay connected with others and I would find myself digging a hole for my emotions.

Throughout the year, I kept a diary where I would attempt to write out my thoughts but that has always been a hard task for me to do and I would find myself giving up. I would constantly try and find ways to be entertained and find meaning to my life day by day. As time went on that became tougher as I saw cases keep rising all around the world. I felt the urge to just get on a plane and go somewhere to find reason to my life.

When restrictions eased at around Spring, I was able to spend the weekend someplace outside of my city and it gave me a sense of peace. But was that really enough to last me the next year?

That small weekend getaway was a good chance for me to wind down for the storm ahead. It really didn't get any better from here.

The Power of Loss

By the end of the year, I lost someone very important to me and I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye. I found myself lost, went through many photo albums of my childhood just to remember what it was like but what was most aggravating was that I couldn't find a way to communicate my emotions to anyone else. I was once again, bottling up all my emotions.

This loss made me renew my understanding of the importance of family and the importance of staying connected with the people you love. Such bucket list won't be able to provide as much meaning as spending time with the people you love the most.

Changing up the bucket list that I made as a child gave me the strength I couldn't muster before. I found myself finding more happiness for what I had rather than thinking about what I couldn't. Although, my desire to travel the world didn't completely erase my mind, I started to imagine life without that urge constantly being there and found new ways to make meaning. I found myself becoming more grateful as a person and created new passion to my life.

Moving Forward

Continuing with life under the power of the corona virus in 2021 was heartbreaking to say the least but knowing the importance of staying connected with people allowed me to make this year better than the last. I found myself greatly focusing on my career and found something I love almost as much as my desire to wander around the world. I realised that backpacking til eternity wasn't a realistic option to have and established a common ground in my career.

Before 2020, I used to tell my friends all the goals that I had for this year, such as getting engaged and backpacking through all of Europe by 2021. I realise now that not being able to meet my goals, doesn't make me less of the person I was before, it just makes me a better version of myself. To see where life takes me next without a plan was something I couldn't bare to imagine before but it's a feeling that makes me less stiff of a person.

I had a conversation with my friend a while ago exactly about the same notion, the fact that I always had things planned out for my life. I told her "It's still on the plan, but I'd rather not rely on it" and that's the one sentiment I live by moving forward.

Making Meaning

This very significant story of my life is not only to reminisce on what I had in the cards for myself but for everyone to realise that people change, and this change isn't always a bad thing. Our goals, hopes and dreams can make us who we are but it can also deeply change us for the best.

Since 2020, everyones life has become a whirlwind, it has been hard, stressful and a painful experience but we all need to learn how to find something good in what is bad. We don't necessarily need to completely change ourselves as a person but we need to find a way to be happy because that is the only way we will all create meaning to our lives as individuals in society.

We can all keep chasing for what we want most but we also need to imagine the big picture and find things that will make us just as happy. I still want there to be a time where I can travel the world, but I mostly just want to travel to see my family once again, as that is what will make me feel full again. I'll continue to appreciate the little moments and cherish great ones from the past. I realise now that what I will talk about most to my future family is the small happy moments we share with the ones we love.

Keep dreaming big but don't let it cloud the bigger picture and no matter how far you reach, whether it is to the stars or only as high as the sky, you'll get there and even if you don't, still remember to be happy of who you have or will become.

And who knows, maybe I'll still take on and get to use my scholarship in London next year, or the year after...

And remember, 'Don't rely on your plans because what's next in the cards for you may be even better than the original ideal'.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.