Immense Fear

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it.

~ Bear Grylls

Fear is a primal, natural, and powerful human emotion. It entails both a universal biochemical response and a strong individual emotional response. Fear alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether it is physical or psychological in nature.

Childhood Fears

When I was a young girl, I had this irrational fear of always wanting to fit in with others. I would always be afraid to show my true personality because I would find myself thinking that I would be made fun of. I would find myself trying to be like everybody else, such as always trying to figure out and plan conversations that people would want to hear rather that talking about the things that I wanted to hear.

I used to experience huge forms of social anxiety, which soon turned into panic attacks when I felt super alone or rejected. When I was surrounded by people that I didn’t know very well, I would find myself unable to speak because I could never figure out what to say. When this social anxiety increased, it was even hard to keep the friends that I had close to me. Everyone kept drifting apart in my life and I couldn’t control it.

I also had a huge fear of failure, especially in school. I had the fear of not being good enough and not being smart enough due to pressure both at home and within my peers. I struggled a lot in school, faced so many panic attacks and had severe levels of anxiety due to the stress of school, even when I was in my primary years. My ways of coping and overcoming this immense fear of failure was my ability to become more motivated by setting goals for myself rather than comparing myself to others. As I grew older and my parents understood that I was studying and trying the best as I could and achieving to the best of my abilities, the pressure at home was eased.

Traumatic Dreams

When I was around four or five years old, I had this reoccurring dream that I still remember to this day. It was right after coming back from overseas, when I didn’t have my grandma sleeping next to me like I did back home.

The dream was set late at night, starting with snakes crawling into my house. It was dark and everyone was sleeping. I heard someone open the balcony door and come into the house, the other person was laughing outside in the rain. I hear them go into the kitchen as I start to quietly run to hide. I hear knives and see blood pouring out of them. And then I heard a scream, and just like that the dream was over and I was woken up by my loud scream while my mum was hovering over me.

This dream is the one dream that kept me up for nights. I still think about it to this day because it was the one time I truely experienced fear without being able to control it. I wasn’t afraid of much, even as a young girl but that one dream really shook me to the core.

The was another dream I had the second time I went back to my grandparents house. That specific night, the balcony door was left open and I dreamt of something similar but less intense. A man climbed almost ten floors to get to our balcony and he had people following behind him in order to raid our home. Several expensive items were stolen, furniture broken and several people were severely harmed. I was woken up by my grandma after she felt me move and shiver uncontrollably.

Overcoming Fear

As a grew older the amount of fears I had decreased along with the impact of the fears I still had. My social anxiety didn’t completely go away until after I finished high school, when I was more exposed to different social situations. It’s easier now to be myself around people and I can easily hold conversations better than before.

I used to think I had a fear of heights and roller coasters but after experiencing “scarier” rides and travelling I felt at ease and didn’t realise the adrenaline rush I’d felt after it would be so exhilarating. My dad was always the person that would force me into going on rides with him when I was younger and now it's quite the opposite.

I was never the type of person to be afraid of horror movies or the dark since I was exposed to them at such a young age. I had my own room at around the age of three and that experience made me more “independent” and “fearless”. The more exposure I had as a child and even now allowed me to gain more tolerance to scary situations and allowed me to control the levels of anxiety I have faced and may continue to face.

One of my favourite things to do when overseas with my cousins is to listen to scary stories on the radio and listen to horrifying experiences people have had every Friday night. The first time we starting listening to them, it made me feel as if I was fighting my own personal fears and it made speaking up and overcoming mine a lot easier than before. There are times where I still experience anxiety but it is so much less prominent as less of an impact than it was in the past. I feel that fighting my fears by exposure and experience has made me more stronger as a human being.

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is to be understood. 
Now is the time to understand more, so that we fear less.
~Marie Curie